For as long as I can remember, the idea of marriage has made my palms sweat and my stomach turn. When I was younger, adults would try to tell me that I had it all wrong, that it can be the most beautiful thing in the world when you find the right person but I've never been able to believe that. I used to think it was because of the myriad of dysfunctional marriages that I was exposed to as a child but that argument doesn't really hold water since almost everyone I know from those days has been married for quite some time now. So where does this come from? Why am I the only one who is absolutely repelled by the concept?
My arguments usually just rely on common feminist issues against it; you know the whole women-as-property, it-isn't-rape-if-you're-married, unequal-division-of-labor type stuff. You've all heard it. Several of you are possibly even groaning by now. But I had to look in the mirror and say those aren't my reasons, those are the reasons of other women who didn't have the luxury of freedom and choice that I have. And my heart absolutely goes out to them but they aren't me. So where's my beef?
It all comes down to why? One thousand times I've asked myself and anyone who will answer me: why do people get married? To me, the answers break down into two categories: the first is emotional- security that the other person will stay with you, creating a unit to bring children into the world, love, lust,, etc., the second is more practical- health insurance, tax breaks, financial, religion, familial pressure, etc. But I've never really gotten the "aha!" moment, the moment where I think "oh, that's why people get married!" Because to me, it's just a whole lot of down-sides. I won't even bother listing them, we all know what they are.
People say "marriage is work, marriage is hard, but it's worth it if you can get through all that." Okay, maybe. But couldn't you just say the same thing about relationships? Why do you need to sign an agreement? To keep you together through the rough times? Why bother? Life is short. If it's rough, why are you forcing yourself to stay in it? I just don't understand the concept of longevity as a relationship goal. People change, situations change, isn't it better to just stay together as long as it is a mutually beneficial arrangement? If you want to pledge your undying love then just do it. Do it everyday that you feel it. But in my experience, undying love isn't really undying and people eventually just end up staying together for other reasons. Marriage becomes the status quo and extricating yourself from it becomes a huge ordeal.
I can't handle that kind of pressure and uncertainty; are they with me because they love me or because it would be a huge pain in the ass to divorce me? I realize that is my own insecurity and doesn't apply to everyone. I don't trust myself to love someone "forever" let alone for someone to love me that long. I don't even know if the average human is biologically capable of that- which is perhaps, where marriage comes from. All I know is that, at this point in my life, I have no desire to engage in a contract that might suddenly turn into a bad arrangement in 5 or 10 or 20 years. If I want to be with someone, and they want to be with me, then we are just going to stay together for as long as we want to because "'til death do us part" just isn't realistic.
...I'm not sure how to respond to this. I'm glad you know yourself well enough to have a firm viewpoint on the matter. I'll be interested to see how future Juli feels in a few years.
ReplyDeleteThank you for the comment even if I've left you a bit speechless :)
DeleteI know we've had this conversation 100 times. But to me it's about building a life together. Marriage is more than a romantic thing. It's a partnership. The practical side of life is about building careers, saving for a house, cars, education. Creating something. A home. A family. You can do that on your own, but it isn't easy. It encourages you to stay and work through things. If you leave when things are no longer fun, you will never push through, get to the other side of your emotions and your judgements. There is another side to get to. One that feels very different from just having a bud to hang out with that doesn't give you much shit. There is standing your ground, learning to express your needs and wants lovingly. Learning to fail and then get back up and apologize and forgive. There is working together for a future that you are building. Dreaming together, creating a life together. It shouldn't be easy to turn away when it gets uncomfortable, because if you do keep turning away you will never grow and become your best self.
DeleteI know I'm the poster child for screwing all that up. So many of us have since divorce started getting easier and easier. We are more often going into marriage without real commitment. Its just a big fancy party to have, that romantic fantasy. Knowing you can just get a divorce if it doesn't work.
In the past it was often about finding yourself as a woman in an unequal partnership. But there is a new paradigm now. An equal partnership. It's tough to go through life alone. Someone to hold you up in bad times, and laugh with you in good times. Planning, creating, building together. Why the contract? Because it's just that. A commitment. You wouldn't invest your savings into starting a business with someone without some kind of partnership agreement would you?
Well, I know you've heard all this before. And you know I completely support your decision to not get married. I also know I think its the best school of life there is. That and having kids. Not easy, not always fun, but life isn't supposed to be.