the worst health advice you've ever heard

Arnold knows how to burn calories.

The idea of burning calories simply to use them up really bothers me. It feels so wasteful. A lot of work went into creating those enchiladas that you had for lunch! There was the sun that grew the grass and then the cows ate it and then cheese happened at some point plus the whole corn thing and the fossil fuels that shipped the goods and the efforts of the cook and on and on. And now you just want to go to a gym and jog those calories off on the treadmill in a fluorescent-lit, air-conditioned room? I find that very wasteful! There must be a better way to use that energy.

I'm not trying to harp on gym-goers here, all I'm saying is I just don't get gyms. The use of energy baffles me. We pump in power from dams and wind turbines and nuclear power plants in order to sustain a building whose purpose is to provide a place for people to use their energy. What? How does that make sense?? Why would you use energy to make a place to use energy? And without purpose? Listen, nobody asked me, but if they did, I would tell them that this was a terrible idea. If you have to go to a gym, why not make it one that is powered by the hordes of people running around in their hamster wheels and cycling to nowheresville? That's good, solid energy there! I don't care if that doesn't make sense mathematically, but maybe if it can't be powered by human exertion, it doesn't belong at a gym anyway. Using energy to use energy? That just drives me crazy.

So what's the alternative, then? Well, that can be a tough thing if you live in a rainy climate like we do here in Portland. I don't think I've seen the sun in about a decade let alone know what the ground looks like without an inch of water on it. So how do you get your exercise on in this weather? You're either going to have to buck up or get creative. Or just not give a shit and expend only as much energy as you want to- that's always an option. But for those of us whose self-esteem is closely linked to their level of physical fitness, here are my really silly, non-ACE certified tips for a sustainable, healthy lifestyle.  

1. Walking is your best friend. We've always got to get somewhere whether its to work, or school, or to the corner store to get some beer there is always somewhere to go. So why not just ditch the car and just walk there? Or take a bike? Or, if you really want to be cool, bust out that razor scooter that's been sitting in your garage since 2004. Even if its rainy you can put on some boots or grab a coat to keep you dry enough to get through a few minutes of old-fashioned commuting. Better yet, grab a buddy and make it a date. Face-to-face communication is getting scarcer these days so why not get two birds with one stone?

2. Being an idiot burns calories. I know this from experience. For example, practicing your 007 moves while making the bed. One corner up, ninja roll over to the other side, rinse and repeat. Also silly dance moves are great. Any time is a good time for silly dance moves; there's the poop dance, the microwave dance, the brushing-your-teeth dance. Music is optional, or better yet, just make your own! Your partner will be intermittently amused and annoyed by your antics and trying to determine which it will be today is all part of the fun. A side effect of this tactic is that you may begin to take yourself far less seriously.

3. Come into contact with cold things. It actually takes a good bit of effort for your body to heat itself back up. I'm not suggesting you dive naked into the snow (unless that's your thing) I'm just saying maybe don't heat up that piece of pizza. Or how about you drink your water at the coldest setting? Sometimes I'll go for a brief outing without a jacket and know that the only way to keep warm is to be a bit more active than usual. Just simply warming your own body up burns calories so just let that shit happen sometimes and your body will burn the calories for you.

4. I don't take the elevator. Or the escalator. Or the moving sidewalk at the airport. Yes, I'm that asshole who walks up the stairs with their travel bag and makes all the people on the electric stairs look like jerks. Look, I've usually just finished sitting on a plane for the last four hours so why would I give up the opportunity to stretch my legs? The same is true for work. I've got about 10 flights of stairs all added up throughout my day and damn if that isn't an easily, reliable way to make sure I do at least something physical throughout my day.

5. Designating something as a "workout" is a sure way not to do that thing. It becomes this big production, this monumental effort to put the wheels in motion because its time to Work Out™. And alternatively it just makes you want to sit on the couch and eat Cheeze-Its instead. Screw that. I prefer to think, it's time to dance! Or, it's time to blade! Or, it's time to go in the backyard and see if I am still capable of doing cartwheels for the next few minutes or until I hurt myself- whichever comes first. (It's usually hurting myself).

So what is my point in all of this? I don't even know anymore. I'm just sick of the whole I want to be healthy so I have to go to the gym thing. And the whole exercise has to be an event thing. Both of those thoughts are nonsense to me. If you want to burn some calories, just go out and do something! If you want to have fancy equipment and sweaty strangers and fluorescent lighting, then fine, go to a gym. That's just not going to be my cup of tea. I'll stick to my microwave dances and roller blades. But I'll also call you when I'm 60 and have osteoporosis because I failed to properly incorporate weight-bearing exercises into my regime and thought I could just dance my way through this life.

But seriously if you want ACTUAL health advice, ask Alex. He does the whole excel spreadsheet, protein shake, balanced diet thing. If you want his credentials, just ask to see his abs. He won't show them to you but it will make me giggle to watch him get flustered by the request. Or maybe he will, I don't know, I'm not his keeper. Let the world see his abs! Abs for everyone! Okay, I think I may be a bit sleep deprived, time for some more coffee and a nice jaunt down the stairs.