my unsolicited opinion

on this complete nonsense

So my intention here isn't to shit all over a project which was the collaboration of hundreds of very talented people to put together something that they are undoubtedly proud of. There are some really impressive parts of this movie that I will, of course, give a shout out to. I'm not a professional movie critic, nor do I know anything much about film-making. I'm focusing on this movie more as a storyteller and as someone who is concerned about some of the messages it conveys.

First things first; the animation- um, did you see Mrs. Potts' little feetsies? Those soft little nubbins that she was bouncing around on which somehow conveyed both porcelain and flubber at the same time? Oh, they just about killed me. Also those wolves were fantastic. If you ignore the stupid "pack leader has a giant scar" trope and focus on the CGI itself- it was flawless! As  least to me, which is to say someone who has no idea what they're talking about. But really, I wanted the wolves to win every time they were on screen because they were so beautifully crafted and felt real to me.

Alright wardrobe/ set design- loved them (for the most part). I mean those costumes held up a good majority of that film when the script starting wearing so thin you thought the characters might fall through the bottom of the screen. The use of bright colors and interesting patterns was really a visual spectacle for me. Except I was kind of weirded out about the fact that they so half-assed the time period. It's like 18th century France for a little bit at the beginning of the movie, and then it's generalized fairy tale era with costumes that are sort of flavored in that direction but without fully committing and then back and forth for a bit. I'm not a history expert, and throwing the harpsichord in the soundtrack here and there was nice, but man that would have been so cool if they could have committed to the era instead of giving us this strange, watered-down version. Also- can somebody explain to me why all the French people had English accents??? Anyone??

Okay speaking of being watered-down, how cute were the POC sprinkled there like window dressings? Like give me a break guys, you can't make one single main character anything other than white? Is that going to ruin the story or something? Keep it classy, Disney. 

LeFou was delightful and entertaining and I'm glad he got his miniature redemption arc but it really would have been great if the first explicitly LGBT character in Disney could have been named anything other than "the fool". Yes I get that this is an actual character and that is his name, however, there have been plenty of other stronger, less problematic protagonists that could have been used instead, (or in addition to!). Anyway, at least I've still got my hopes up for Elsa. 

Alright I'm going to talk about some women's themes and then Emma Watson and then I'm going to peace out.

We all know the inherent issues this story has with the whole romanticizing Stockholm syndrome thing. Blah, blah that's old hat. I was just kind of disappointed that they didn't upgrade Belle at all. I mean, what did we learn from her? That is doesn't matter if you're a farm girl as long as you're really beautiful then you find a handsome prince to marry? Ugh. Barf. Get the marriage as the ultimate goal for women trope out of here for god's sake. And give her some good books to read, dang it! Let her read like The Social Contract or something instead of just silly romantic fairy tales that somehow make her better than everyone in the village. Let's have her sewing the seeds of the French Revolution or something! Okay sorry, getting off track a bit here. Emma Watson time.

Why. The Fuck. Did they cast Emma Watson? Don't get me wrong, I love her. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan and think she is nothing but dignity and class. But good god above, they used auto-tuning? She's meant to portray a woman who doesn't fit in? I'm somehow supposed to believe that she was the most talented of the lot that they could find to put in that role? Nope, not buying it. In fact, I bet anyone of those "silly women" from the town could have absolutely blown us away with their talent instead of just their likeability factor or their professional reputation. Listen, I'm not trying to be hard on her, I love her and I think she's lovely but that role needed a powerhouse and she just isn't that.

So basically here's what I'm saying; if you removed Belle, the Beast, and Bell's father- that movie might have been okay. Actually no, if that movie had simply been the "Gaston" song at the tavern- then it would have been perfect. I was smiling like a loon for that entire portion. The rest of the movie was spent checking my watch and trying to figure out when the heck this hollow mess of a movie was finally going to be over. (It was actually around the time that the servants started changing back that we finally ditched out.) But whatever, we drank our beer and ate our junior mints and giggled together at all the senseless cliches so, all in all, a good time was had.

 

Oh sorry one more thing- the Prince doesn't know how to love someone who isn't beautiful so his curse is that a beautiful woman has to fall in love with him while he's ugly? How does that make sense? The woman has to make up for his shortcomings? Please. Give me a beauty and the beast where the prince has to fall in love with an "Ugly" girl and get over his shallowness rather than having someone do it for him. And while your at it, I'd like Gaston to be a woman. Okay perfect, thank you!