cheddar

It's about a cat (sort of).

This was a play that I wrote for a script writing class. It's my first ever so it's not great but it still makes me laugh. I hope you get a kick out of it too. 

Cheddar

by

Juli Keele 

Characters
Jenny: Female College student, early 20s
Brian: Male College student, early 20s
Cheddar: Flamboyant and sassy Male cat, orange (guy dressed
as a cat)

Lights up on JENNY sitting at her desk working on a laptop. Her hair is frazzled and she has a giant paper coffee cup next to her. She goes to take a drink of the coffee but it’s empty. She puts the coffee down and sighs. She starts hitting her head on the desk.

JENNY- Why (hit) am I such (hit) and idiot (hit)? I had 5 fucking weeks to get this done!

She knocks the coffee to the floor in defeat.

CHEDDAR, a man dressed as an orange cat, saunters into the room on all fours. He goes over to the coffee cup and sits down directly next to it. He looks down his nose at the cup and at her. He paws the cup a little with his hand. Jenny looks over at Cheddar.

JENNY- Cheddar? Why am I so dumb? I have 30 minutes to finish a 10 page paper. How am I supposed to do that? What the fuck am I going to do?

CHEDDAR- Well, just a thought sweetheart, but maybe you could have been working on your paper instead of watching reruns of the Golden Girls and eating your weight in fruit Popsicles. Just cause it’s gluten free doesn’t mean it won’t make your ass jiggle.

JENNY- Look at you, you’re just a little cat. You don’t have to deal with people problems.

Jenny gets up to go pet Cheddar.

JENNY- All you have to do is laze around and wait for someone to feed you. God, that sounds nice. C’mere little guy.

Cheddar narrowly misses Jenny’s outstretched hand and saunters away.

CHEDDAR- Ew please, your hands are covered in popsicle juice. I’m not THAT desperate to be petted.

JENNY- Oh, you silly boy. You wanna play chase?

Jenny starts wiggling her fingers on the ground and making clicking noises. 

JENNY- tsk tsk tsk c’mon Cheddar, come get the mouse! tsk tsk tsk

Cheddar looks away incredulously and gives her the cold shoulder.

CHEDDAR- Oh, god. You’re embarrassing.

Jenny tries to get his attention for a little bit longer. It clearly doesn’t work. She lies on the ground and lets out a huge wail.

JENNY- Uuuuuuuuughhhhhh. Okay. Fine. I’m getting up now and starting on paper. (beat) startiiiiiing now!

Jenny remains on the floor.

CHEDDAR- You’re pathetic.

BRIAN knocks on the side of the stage and enters the room. He is a dashing young man carrying a textbook and a pen.

BRIAN- Hey, Jenny?

Jenny bolts upright at the sound of Brian’s voice. She immediately tries to straighten her hair and clothes.

BRIAN- Sorry to interrupt, your roommate let me in. Hey, do you have time to go over these chemistry problems with me? I’ve only got an hour before the midterm and I need to get this done. I’m basically desperate at this point. If I don’t pass this class they’re gonna kick me off the rowing team and my dad would absolutely murder me.

Brian notices that Jenny looks reluctant so he switches tactics and turns on the charm.

BRIAN- I mean, you’re just so good at this stuff.

Brian gives Jenny his most dazzling smile and the effect is not lost on her.

JENNY- (dreamily) Ok, Brian.

Cheddar interrupts the moment by sauntering over to Brian to start rubbing on his legs. He was
hidden until this point.

BRIAN- Whoa, who’s this? (Brian’s a little freaked out)

CHEDDAR- Oh Brian, what a dreamboat.

Cheddar continues to rub.

JENNY- That’s my cat, Cheddar.

BRIAN- Ooookay.

Brian looks weirdly at the cat and back at Jenny.

CHEDDAR- Brian, your legs feel amazing. Do you work out? Yummmmm.
Cheddar starts kneading on Brian’s leg. Brian jumps back a little but Cheddar pursues.

JENNY- He’s okay. They let me have him in the dorms.

BRIAN- Your what? Your cat? This?

He points to Cheddar

JENNY- You’re not allergic are you?

CHEDDAR- Is there catnip in your cologne cause I just want to eat you up. Meow!

Cheddar rubs his head on Brian’s leg. Brian shakes his leg to get Cheddar off.

BRIAN- No, not allergic.

JENNY- Oh, thank goodness! Then I guess I can still help you with your assignment.
Brian looks down at Cheddar and back to Jenny.

BRIAN- Ok but....

Brian looks at his watch and looks out the door. He sighs.

BRIAN- Yeah. Yes. Ok.

Brian looks down

CHEDDAR- Where you goin’, tiger? Don’t you want to sit by me? I’ll let you rub my belly.

BRIAN- Yeah. Ok. Fine. Where should we do this?

CHEDDAR- We can curl up by the heater vent, if you want. I’ll let you have bottom.

BRIAN- Pointing to Cheddar Am I just supposed to ignore that?

JENNY- My goodness, Cheddy-Bear you are so vocal today. If you let us study I’ll give you a nice treat later.

Cheddar blows a raspberry from his sitting position by Brian. Jenny starts clearing off her desk.

JENNY- Here. How bout you take a seat and I can just lean over your shoulder and see what you’re working on.

Brian walks over and sits at the desk eying Cheddar warily.

BRIAN
This isn’t a bother is it? I feel like I’m interrupting something here.

Cheddar stares at Brian from his corner.

JENNY- Nope. I was just sitting here not writing my term paper. Nothing at all. I mean unless you count interrupting spending time with Cheddar.

Jenny bursts out laughing as if this is actually a funny joke. Brian tries to join and laughs nervously a little too loud.

BRIAN- Jenny.

JENNY- Yeah?

BRIAN- He’s staring at me.

JENNY- Who, Cheddar? Don’t worry, he does that. There is something seriously wrong with that cat sometimes.

BRIAN- You’re not lying.

JENNY- So what did you need help with the most? We don’t have a lot of time so maybe we should focus on the areas where you need the most work. Bonds? Reactions? The periodic table?

Brian stops looking at the cat for a minute and starts to pay attention to what Jenny is saying. He opens his book to the proper page.

BRIAN- It’s actually balancing equations. It’s too much like math and I can’t wrap my head arou- FOR CHRIST’S SAKE JENNY, HE’S LICKING HIMSELF!

Cheddar has started licking any available portions of himself that he can reach. He does this as
rudely and grossly as possible.

JENNY- He’s a cat, that’s what they do.

BRIAN- Are you serious right now?

Cheddar starts hacking like he has a hairball.

JENNY- What?

BRIAN- That’s a cat? You’re telling me that’s a cat?

JENNY- (laughs) of course that’s a cat, he’s clearly not a rabbit now is he?

BRIAN- Okay. I can’t do this. I’ll fail chemistry I don’t even care.

JENNY- Brian, what’s wrong? Did I do something?

Brian motions to Cheddar.

JENNY- What?

Brian motions more strongly to Cheddar.

JENNY- What is this, charades? I don’t get it.

BRIAN- That’s not a cat!

JENNY- I don’t know how many times I need to say it. Cheddar is-

CHEDDAR- Hold up!

Cheddar pulls back his fur sleeve and looks at a watch.

CHEDDAR- No, Brian’s right, it’s past one, I’m not a cat anymore.

Cheddar now has a calm, deep voice. Jenny pulls out her cell phone and looks at the time.

JENNY- Fuck.

BRIAN- What?

JENNY- Ok, thanks Phil. You tried.

Phil gets up and hands his cat ears to Jenny. She drops them on the desk. He grabs the outstretched cash from her hand. He puts it in his cat suit.

PHIL- Same time next week?

JENNY- You know it.

Phil pats Brian’s shoulder on his way to the door.

PHIL- See you, dude.

He exits.

Brian is frozen.

BRIAN- What the fuck just happened?

JENNY- Oh, that was Phil. He’s my surrogate. I need to have a cat around to help me study but they aren’t allowed in the dorms so I found someone on Craigslist to pretend to be one when I have a big assignment due.

BRIAN- So that really wasn’t-

JENNY- I give him 20 bucks.

BRIAN- Did he just-

JENNY- Do you still want help with your test? I’m pretty much fucked at this point. I’m never gonna get my paper in on time.

BRIAN- Is that a sex thing?

JENNY- What? No! No way! Nuuuuh uh.

Jenny gauges Brian’s reaction. She reaches for the cat ears on the desk.

JENNY- Unless you’re into that sort of thing.

BRIAN- No!

Jenny pulls her hand away and uses it to swipe her hair back as if that’s what she was planning to do the whole time.

JENNY- No, of course not! Of course not.

JENNY- So, Chemistry then?

BRIAN- You know what? I think I’ve got it actually. Yup, you helped me a bunch. I think it’s cause your so good with Chemistry. Yeah! So thanks for that!

Brian makes his way towards the exit.

JENNY- Yeah, I had a really great time working with you maybe sometime we can-

BRIAN- Yeah yeah it’s been really um oops I’m getting a call

Brian holds his phone up backwards/ upside down

BRIAN- (On the phone) Oh hey there you are!

JENNY- So did you want to get a drink or-

BRIAN- (Still on phone) Yeah, that thing! I completely forgot about the thing!

Brian gestures to his phone apologetically.

BRIAN- (To Jenny) Ok, see you later!

Brian holds his fake conversation as he quickly exits.

JENNY- Yeah see you-

The door slams

JENNY-...later.

Jenny sighs and leans her head on the door. She goes back to her desk and pulls out her laptop.

JENNY- Looks like it’s just me and you, Golden Girls.

Jenny accidentally bumps her laptop and it crashes to the floor.

JENNY- Motherfucker!

LIGHTS OUT

--



Okay I hope you enjoyed it! I apologize for any formatting issues, I had to copy/ paste it from the program I was using to create it.



Happy Thursday!