Last night, I went through my old diaries with the hope of finding a memory or an idea to spark a blog post for today. Well I found a bit more than that. What I found were some entries that followed my Mind Plate posts almost verbatim. Which originally made me think, "Wow I was a really advanced 12 year old!" with the follow up thought of "Oh shit, I'm 27 and still have the same thoughts as a 12 year old.".
After some further digging, I realized that it wasn't just my 12 year old self who I was copying, at ages 15, 17, 19 I would continually have the same thoughts each time believing it was my first. I had the same hopes, the same fears, the same hangups, over and over again without seeing the pattern. What is so strange is that the evidence of this was right at my finger tips and yet I never saw it. Isn't the purpose of writing in a diary to have a written record to prevent you from repeating past mistakes?
My whole life, my goal has been to evolve and improve in the hopes of reaching my best self in all aspects of my life. Which is rich because I'm the same gal who frequently tosses out philosophical and religious texts because "If there is anything in there I want to know I'll probably just come up with it myself." Who the fuck thinks like that? I'm going to come up with the same ideas as the ones found in the Bhagavad Gita? Where does that kind of philosophical hubris even come from?
So this must be it. This must be why I haven't evolved past that 19 year old who was writing a romance novel about the taboo relationship between a student and her teacher and thinking it was so cutting edge. Because I think I know it all. And if I don't know it, I can come up with the answer for myself. Me, need help? No way, I've got a pair bootstraps and two hands fully capable of pulling them up! Fiercely independent, as my mom likes to describe me. Well you know what? Maybe I don't know everything, and maybe it's okay to look for help (as scary as that prospect is) and maybe with enough servings of humble pie I might still have a chance to become the person I've always wanted to be and finally grow up.
(On second thought, I might actually keep going with that romance novel- there were some scenes in there that were really fun. I'll keep you posted.)
One way you've changed. As a baby you disapproved of everything! A very narrow band of what was acceptable in your world and what wasn't. And this was the face you wore! Two older brothers didn't help :) I almost never see you disapprove of anything anymore. At least not in public!
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DeleteIt's funny you say that because I was just thinking this morning about how many people I dismiss outright because something about them is "unacceptable" like if I see someone littering or wearing a "Make America Great Again" t-shirt. I had this idea to write a series of short stories written in the perspective of those types of people who I've written off in order to find their point of view and learn to be more tolerant. I just really hate littering, though!
DeleteThere is something about me that repeats too. I struggle with that fiercely independent, know-it-all syndrome. I believe our weaknesses can become strengths when we use what we learn to improve. This writing challenge improves me even if I complain about it.
ReplyDeleteHere goes my slice for today: http://iheartpurplestuff.blogspot.com/2017/03/shifting-blame.html
That picture is hilarious
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