grateful for honesty

"open heart"... get it?

Someone called me a narcissist the other day. I was really upset by it. I spent a good couple of days reaching out to people to make amends for the poor way I have been behaving towards them. I made a conscious effort to listen more and talk less. I ran through some thought exercises to decipher when I was putting my own needs above those of other people. I mean, I didn't actually believe I was a narcissist at the time, but if somebody had that perception of me, then there must be a grain of truth in it somewhere.

As a joke (partially) I decided to pull out one of my self-help books that has an "Are You a Narcissist?" quiz in it. I first had the accuser answer the questions for me and then I answered them for myself to see where the difference was. Did I just appear to be a narcissist but really wasn't? Was I at least less of a narcissist than he assumed I was? Well the results were in and no matter which way you looked at it, I definitely landed squarely in the category of narcissist.

But what does that really mean? There are plenty of happy, successful, interesting people who fall on the narcissistic scale. Is it a bad thing? Do I have (another) character flaw?

Here's what I've come up with: I probably won't be able to change the fact that I tend towards narcissism but I can be aware of what that means for others. I can notice if I'm being overbearing or commandeering or asking too much and giving too little and make the conscious effort to reverse or tone down those behaviors. Character flaws are okay, we all have them, it's what makes us unique, but its important to notice when they are hurting other people.

So today I am grateful for honesty because it takes a whole lot of balls to tell someone you care about that you think they are a narcissist. If instead of saying that to me, he had instead just rolled his eyes or complained about me to his partner, I might have gone my whole life without ever realizing what I was doing. So thank you, friend, for being honest with me and helping me to become a better person. Honesty is a gift and I am grateful for it.