grateful for unexpected adventures

Last night was some crazy shit.

I was not planning to write an adventure story today. I was going to write some boring post about my commute and how grateful I am for the time I get to spend reading and people watching (which are great things!) but this post is going to be way better than that. Strap in, folks.

Our story begins at my favorite dive bar a couple of blocks from my house. I frequent there several times a week for breakfast or karaoke or just to have someone make me dinner while I diddle on my homework. Last night was of the homework variety. Near the end of my sandwich, a patron at the table behind me called for my attention. I knew him vaguely so brushed him off after a quick hello. He was at a table with a young lady (much too cute for him). She had some strange interjections that I ignored. Several dismissals were not enough to dissuade him so he finally ended up gaining my full attention. It seemed he wanted me to speak with his... friend? girlfriend? I had no clue. That's when shit got weird.

"They let me have three days and on the fourth day they kill me. They know me there. I can get out when my squares are green. My texture is round." Is approximately how she greeted me.

My first reaction was to laugh. Then I looked to my acquaintance for his take. Behind her shoulder, his eyes were wide and he was shaking his head "no". He made an excuse to get another beer and quickly left the two of us alone. I decided to interview her.

She had a short, black bob with bangs, winged eyeliner, painted nails, and normal clothing with some streaks of mud on it. Her table held an opened laptop with a political (left-leaning) desktop image. Her eyes were big and wide and wandered frequently, mostly staring off into the distance. She told me her shoulder twitch was from the shock therapy. I called bullshit, but I still wanted to see where this would go.

"I am here to collect my people, they will join me after the war, I am going to live forever so that no one ever dies."

"Well that doesn't make much sense."

"What?"

"Well if you live forever, then you are sure to see everyone die. If you want everyone else to live forever, then the better idea would be to reverse the plan."

She laughed but it was a maniacal laugh aimed at the back of the bar instead of at me. She did it without scrunching her eyes at all. She asked me if I knew everything and I told her I did. She said that was comforting. I asked if she were a method actor, she ignored my question and told me about being locked in a closet like Anne Frank. I continued to try to get her to laugh, it worked here and there.

At some point, she started handing me the things in her bag. I got a program from a short film festival, some vitamins, a couple of pens, a tampon, a program from a play festival and a notebook with nonsense scribblings containing a business card from the same university that I attend. At this point, I knew all I needed to know. And I was delighted.

Another fellow took this moment to join us. I'm not sure what it is about her, but I guess her energy just invites strangers to come and have a go. I was delighted.

"South Korea and North Korea and China and Amsterdam all in a bathtub but the drain is clogged so they have to sing a song to get the whales to come. Aaaaaaooooooooooooowwwaaaaaaaa."

He looked at me. I just smiled.

"Okay, that's nice." he said.

"It's been a hard day's night. A hard day's night." she said.

He finally smiled at this one. "And I've been working like a dog, am I right?"

She did her maniacal laugh again. He was alarmed but didn't leave. She started talking about the cops. I thought this presented a good opportunity. I wanted to see just how far she was willing to go.

"Do you need me to call the police for you?"

"The police were already here three days ago."

"Okay, I can call them back if you need. Do you need me to call them? I can call the non-emergency line."

"But your phone doesn't work."

"Yeah it works. Here, let me pull the number up." I google the number and show it to her. I hover my finger over the "call" button and ask if she wants me to press it. I look her straight in the eyes to find that tell that I know is lurking there somewhere. She doesn't budge. She grabs the tampon and puts it on top my phone.

"The children need me."

I agree and set the phone down. She visibly relaxes a bit. I try not to laugh again.

The new fellow has been watching this exchange the whole time. He is slightly disturbed but he's sticking around anyway. He decides to show our friend some of the things he's carrying in his Homer Simpson backpack. She looks intrigued so I go to pay my bill.

The bartender is dumbfounded. He keeps asking if I'm okay where I'm sitting or if I need to change tables. I tell him I'm fine and just about to head out. He stares at me even harder and asks about my companion. I tell him she's fine, doesn't bother me. He says she's been pestering people all up and down the block and to let him know if she's a bother. I tell him thanks, but I'm perfectly happy and grab my card to leave.

When I turn back around she is holding a small, ceramic frog and the table mate is telling her a story. I tell them I'm leaving and she asks if I can come with. I tell her that's fine but I can take her where she needs to go instead. She says she needs to go to the farmer's market so she can spend her tokens. I tell her the farmer's market is closed so that's not likely to happen. She says she needs to go to Safeway. I say I'll take her there. She is relieved. Our other friend says I'm a saint. She says I'm a nice postal mailbox. I tell her I get that all the time. She laughs, but maniacally. I know she's just covering it up.

She packs up her things and grabs her moldy framed poster by the wire to carry with us to Safeway. She wants me to tell her what to do so I oblige. I tell her how to hold her poster properly, when she can and can't cross the street, that it is not okay to say "colored people" when she is spouting out her incessant nonsense. It's like hanging out with a toddler. But a really entertaining one. She makes sure to sound extra crazy when other people are around. I laugh and ask her leading questions. She may or may not answer me directly but always has something even crazier to say to up the ante a little bit. I need to change my tampon but I'm having too much fun to go home yet. She waits for my instruction.

 We get to Safeway and I have to guard her moldy poster while she pees in the bathroom. She waits for me as I take my turn. When I get back to her, I try to suss out what we are actually doing here. I've already determined that she's not really crazy so I'm trying to figure out if this is part of the game or an actual task. Her first responses are not not helpful.

"I need bells, golden shoes, the lightbulbs are red."

These are not things you buy at Safeway. She finally gets out that she needs to go the "Self Harm-acy". Now we're getting somewhere. I take her to the back of the store and pray that I'm not about to be an accessory to this crazy person looking for a fake prescription. Because while I'm 99% sure that she is simply playing a game, she still has not once broken character and has been talking to me about a traumatic brain injury and CAT scans. But come on, her level of personal grooming required that someone had spent a whole lot of effort painting her nails and putting on her makeup. If her faculties were that inadequate, the person who dressed her would not be letting her wander alone like that. No, she was definitely pulling my leg. I couldn't help but still have a sliver of doubt.

I drop her off at the pharmacy and wander over to the shampoo section to try and give her some privacy. I overhear her birth date so I walk a bit further away to be out of earshot. Several moments later, she's back at my side and asking for my help with her prescription. I panic a little inside as she drags me over to the counter. If this is for some anti-psychotic medication, I am out of here. I do not want to be responsible for this person getting her hands on something that she may or may not be capable of taking. Fuck.

"I need to know that this patient knows how to take this medication and she understands the proper dosage."

"Uh, what is it for?" I ask.

"Medication for the acne on my back," She says.

"Is she drunk or high or something? I need her acknowledgement before I can hand this off."

"Do you really need this tonight?' I ask her.

"It would be better to have it for my life." She says.

"Do you understand how to take it?" He asks.

"You've told me and I'm sure it's reiterated in the paperwork." She says.

"So were you just joking earlier when I asked if you understood what was going on and you started talking to me about MLK and the alien invasion?"

She starts talking again so I cut her off. "Are you good?' I ask.

"Yes, good." She says.

The pharmacist glares at us but hands her the bag anyway. I try to give him a smile but he's already got his back turned to return to his station. She seems unfazed.

"You've got bigger balls than I do." I tell her.

She says she needs to keep the medicine in her hands so that they have something to do. I tell that sounds like a plan.

At this point my tampon is about to burst. I ask her where she lives so I can go drop her off. She asks if I will go to another bar with her instead. I politely decline. And then I decline the over-sized menstrual pad she tries to hand me. She leads me a little deeper into the neighborhood but it becomes clear that she intends to keep wandering the streets for a bit. I give her my name and tell her to look me up on Facebook. She compares her love for me to a 90's rap song. I tell her to avoid hanging out under the bridge. She yells her goodbyes to me for as long as I can still hear them. I yell back but only a couple times. I walk the few short blocks back to my house with the strangest combination of elation and confusion that I have experienced in quite some time. I really hope I end up meeting her again, preferably when the only character she is playing is herself.

So today, this is what I'm grateful for: chance encounters and wild adventures that are open for the taking if you feel brave enough to grasp them. Last night I was twelve years old again wandering the streets with my best friend Niki as we spoke in a language only we understood and did things that made sense to no-one else in the world but ourselves. This woman even looked like her a bit. Boy will my cheeks be red if she turns out to be actually crazy and the harmless adventure that I thought we had turns out to be just another day for her. I guess I'll wait and see if she adds me on Facebook. Either way it was a lovely time, and I am grateful for it.