why did you have to die?

This little guy was smashed by a car today.

It happened during the scariest part of my bike ride. It's the part where I'm bombing down a huge hill and  have to cross in front of an on-ramp frequented by semis and FedEx trucks with lead feet. I have about 30 seconds to determine if I can get across by throwing glances over my shoulder while I pedal at top speed to remain at the same speed as traffic. Needless to say, this is not a safe transition. There have been more than one close call and it often crosses my mind how stupid it is that I take that route simply to knock 10 minutes off my commute.

And today someone died. It was a little house sparrow. One moment it was fluttering from a tree, possibly in the middle of building a nest, and maybe its mate is still wondering why they haven't come back yet, and the next moment it is softly rolling down the hill alongside me. And then these thoughts pop into my head: What if that bird died at this intersection today so that I didn't have to? What if it somehow took my place instead? or Is this an omen? Should I not use this path anymore? Am I next? of course I eventually got to, What of that little bird's life? Did it live it to the fullest? Does he have any little bird regrets? What if it had been me, what would my regrets be? 

But obviously these thoughts are too big to work through on a bicycle at 8am so I let them wander to other important matters like Is my tampon going to last for this whole ride or will I have to give my bike to the valet with blood all over the seat while I waddle to the bathroom to clean up? And THEN I almost died via yogurt. I had a spluttering, gasping, sinking to the ground for several minutes kind of event because of a fucking spoonful of fucking yogurt with cinnamon that apparently I forgot how to swallow. Really? I could have died this morning in an epic mashup with a giant truck but its the yogurt that my whole office gets to witness? Yeah, real impressive. I especially enjoyed wiping all the little splatters off my desk and computer screen.

Okay, but back to the bird. It was very sad. And I wish I could have grabbed his little body and said a couple of words and given him a proper burial. Back in the day I would have, and Niki and I certainly have done on many occasions. But now I'm old and cynical and resigned to our fate as part of the ecosystem regardless of whatever we have to say about it. I can rest assured that his little body will feed some crows or a fox or some ants or some fly larvae or a combination of all of the above. And that's beautiful. To me that's more beautiful than some hollow words by a stranger and a hole in the ground. But here I am saying words anyway, I suppose.

So these are my grounding events. These are the reminders that life is finite and that the way you live it matters. Be kind, be loving, eat lots of ice cream and all that. But really, I just used it as an excuse to put off my essay for another day. Cause c'mon guys, what if I died tomorrow? Wouldn't I rather have had a final blog as my legacy than a boring old essay that nobody wants to read? Okay, good glad we agree. I should be able to sleep jusssst fine tonight.