I went to the doctor today

This is the actual doctor's office.

At the urging of some of the gals I work with I went to an "Zoom Care" to get a spider bite checked out. I had vaguely heard of the place which I imagined would be like the other urgent care/ medi stop/ so-you-have-a-problem-and-you-don't-want-to-go-to-a real-doctor's-office type places that I've popped into from time to time. Good lord, was I wrong.

I picked the location that was the most convenient for my ride home which happened to be in the Pearl District, a.k.a. the rich people neighborhood. I didn't think about that at the time, I was just worried that they wouldn't let me bring my bike inside because because I am an idiot and forgot to bring my lock with me.

After nearly passing by the spotless double glass doors, I looked inside of the establishment and back up to the sign a couple of times to make sure I was in the right place. A gorgeous young man with a bright smile immediately came out to greet me as I was the only one in the place and remained so the entire time. I asked about my bike and he flashed that grin and said I could park it next to his in the fitness area in the lobby, which is next to the reception desk/ hipster kitchen/ pharmacy, which is next to this weird ass looking space ship thing in the picture above. Turns out that thing is called a "bod pod". Apparently they measure your exact body composition to make sure you are hitting your fitness goals. I can't think of a more useless piece of equipment to have been invented. But to each their own, I guess?

Anyhoo, here are some furtive photos I snapped while I sweated through my cycling clothes onto their fancy, minimalist, wooden chairs. They are a bit blurry because I didn't want the incessantly smiling youth to catch me.

After an approximately 15 second wait, I was led to exam room by another gorgeous, smiling medical worker who took care of my spider-bite needs and sent me on my way. The smiling front desk kid charged me $25 for the visit, $10 for the antibiotics (which they had on-hand) and even threw in some jokes about Disney movies and wished me a good weekend. I almost thought I had stepped into a strange Stepford Wife-type parallel universe but fortunately the tattooed medical assistant drinking black coffee around her septum piercing helped remind me that I was still home. (She was gorgeous as well.)

I would make some comments about how amazing the doctor's office is for rich people but I guess it's not? I mean, I went there and I'm certainly not rich, although I do have medical insurance which I realize is not a given anymore. So of course I was glad of this service but it was underscored by guilt. Always the guilt.

But listen to this, I made an appointment in about 2 minutes online around lunchtime for a 6:30pm appointment the same day and walked out of there at 7:15 with my prescription in hand. Is this an ad? No. Should this be an ad? I don't know, maybe. Does anybody work for Zoom Care and want me to advertise their strangely exciting, incredibly unexpected, and vaguely guilt-inducing business? Cause I'll do it! Don't think I won't! I won't even sweat on your fancy chairs this time! Okay, you can think about it for a bit. Call me!