a single woman

Post break up check in.

It's been about a month now. My new room is nearly put together and my clothes are nicely hung up in a closet rather than stuffed into garbage bags on the floor. I've finally put through my change of address, taken my name off the lease, and hardly ever find myself accidentally driving in that direction to get home. This should be real. This should be a concrete thing, but it's still not really stuck in my mind yet. I'm not sure I've convinced myself yet that this is permanent.

I keep coming back to the stages of grief: disbelief, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. In the first week or few days after it happened I was trying to track my state of mind. Which step am I on now? Surely I must be to at least bargaining at this point. I'm always in such a rush. It kind of makes me laugh to look back at that. But no, I can't get through everything in the blink of an eye the way I would like to. These things take time no matter what kind of energy you put into them. I almost feel like putting energy in to get over it only makes it worse.

I've been busy off my ass the last few weeks with visitors and activities and all sorts of things. While these are a good distraction from the reality of my new situation, they don't really help in the long run. They just sort of delay the inevitable moment where you look yourself in the mirror and say, "Shit. Now what?"

So I guess that's where I am right now. And its not a bad thing. Now what? doesn't mean that the future is dark ahead, it just means that it is uncertain and that I have as much power as I would like to set my feet in the right direction. This can be a scary thought but its not one that I will allow to derail me.

Right now is very important. Right now is when you feel lost and vulnerable and start seeking out the familiar. You start taking steps down roads you've already been down and end up putting yourself right back where you started. This is where you insert the quote about the definition of insanity and doing the same thing over again while expecting different results. This is where you look yourself in the mirror, grab your balls in your fist, and say hold on little doggy, we've got a ways to go yet.