the worst diet advice you've ever heard

A follow up to "the worst health advice you've ever heard".

If you want actual health advice, you've come to the wrong place. This is a place of reflection, and word vomit, and experimental creativity. Today's post is brought to you by ways-that-I-try-to-fool-myself-into-making-healthy-choices that I do not recommend that you attempt, nor do I recommend that you actually read this post; it is pure nonsense and drivel. That being said, let's get weird!

This weekend, I am planning to get naked in front of a whole bunch of people. This is not a part of my regular routine. In fact, I usually go to great lengths to make sure that I am never naked in front of 99.9999999999% of the population. However, I am facing that fear full on and sloughing the self-inflicted boundaries of the past. You're supposed to do one thing a day that scares you? Great! Once I disrobe, I may actually poop my pants. Except I won't actually be wearing pants so I guess it will just kind of fall out and land on the ground? It may actually fall into my pants if they are still around my ankles at the time so I'm going to have to plan accordingly to make sure there aren't any messy mishaps. 

Anyway, more on that later. Today is about deluding myself that five days is enough time to change my shape and delving into various ludicrous habits of mine towards achieving that goal. So without further sputtering, here are my top tips for eating like a fool and making believe that it will have a positive outcome:

1. If you don't have time to make a healthy breakfast, and all you have are Oreos, then it's okay to have Oreos for breakfast as long as you only have one or two, after all, Oreos really don't have that many calories and the cream in the middle is kind of like a milk or a yogurt, right? That's kind of breakfast-y. Perfect. Done. Next.  

2. If you plan to eat a big ol' bowl of mac and cheese, or a continent of lasagna, or an entire hotel pan of chow mein this is fine, as long as you put hot pepper flakes on it. Everyone knows that spicy food revs up your metabolism so if you add hot pepper flakes (which don't have any calories, by the way) you are basically ensuring that your body burns through that pasta like a teenage athlete after week-long tournament. I'm pretty sure that's how that works so don't bother researching it.

3. Eat it cold. It takes calories to warm up your food. If you put that drumstick in the microwave, you are missing out on a precious opportunity to allow your body to do the warming for you. Sure the sauce may be a bit congealed, and the flavor a little corpse-y, BUT you basically negated half of the meal in energy expended so its totally worth it. You should try it. 

4. Get fucked up on caffeine. You just ate a piece of cake? No problem, chug a diet coke and let the chemicals do the work for you. Fact: caffeine increases your heart rate and gives your metabolism a boost. Look, you don't even have to press pause on the latest episode of the Bachelor all you have to do is pour that sweet sweet nectar into your face and it is going to burn those calories for you. Actually now that I'm thinking about it, you could really go for it and just get a cocaine or methamphetamine addiction. Okay, okay, obviously I'm not recommending this to anyone, I'm just letting you know that its an option and is probably highly effective. I don't know, this is conjecture. 

5. Man, how do I even follow up on the methamphetamine addiction? That was pretty damn good. Hmmm... OH! Okay here's one I use all the time: think about nuts. For some reason, I just don't really like nuts. I mean they're okay, but if anyone ever offers me nuts, I'm not like "Hot damn! Heck yeah I'd like some nuts! Bring those bad boys thisaway!" EXCEPT if I'm really hungry. This may be why people are always eating them on trails because that's the only time that you're actually desperate enough to want to eat a handful of them. Or maybe that's just me. The point is, if I'm ever sitting around and contemplating eating a little nibble of something delicious (and I'm doing my weird "diet" thing) then I present myself with this conundrum: if all I had right now as a snack was a handful of nuts, would I eat them? The answer is usually no. Obviously. Cause nuts are boring. But this gives me a great insight! No, I wasn't actually hungry I just thought that six tacos sounded pretty good at the time. But let's be honest, six tacos sounds good pretty much all of the time. So maybe that's a bad example. 

Anyway, these are the kinds of things you may catch me doing this week. I should have a further post by Sunday about my defrocked adventure. In the meantime, say no to drugs unless those drugs are helping you sustain an unrealistic body image fueled by photo shopped magazine ads and gym membership commercials cause that's just supporting the economy, guys. Okay byeee.