being lied to

Lemme cleanse.

It's going to be a good, old fashioned explosive diarrhea of the heart-region. I'll probably be clearing out some chakras, I'm not really sure, I've only just started learning about them. But what I have learned is that my heart is not a place for imprinted, festering wounds of the past, It is a place for loving myself, loving life, and being ready to tackle the next challenge that comes my way. So, let's make some room, shall we?

I used to believe some really dumb shit. I was told "hard truths" that would help me grow as a person. I needed to "get over myself". I had to be spoken to bluntly because no one had ever taken the time to be honest with me before. And couldn't I see that it was a gift? Because he loved me so much, and he needed me, and I needed him, and our love was the kind that you read about in epic fantasies where we die together or whoever remains will never love again. Nobody could understand the kind of love that we had, it was too deep, too true, too complex.... yeah, right. He isolated me, he degraded me, he manipulated me, and he made me thank him for it because no one could ever love me the way that he did. Or so he said.

So here you go universe, these lies are yours now:


I have nothing interesting to say
I am the worst-dressed person in the world
It's embarrassing to introduce me to new people
Taking me somewhere is "a hassle"
I need to be taught how to behave
I need to do as I'm told without question
I am not permitted to decorate my home
My hobbies are my way of trying to re-live my high school "glory days"
Wearing sexy clothing means I'm trying to "fuck a bunch of dudes"
I'm stubborn just for the sake of it
I act like a rebellious child
I am broken
I am empty
It is difficult to love me
I am the worst girlfriend in the world
I pick the worst movies
I read the worst books
My hair is only nice when straightened
My body belongs to him
I am a "good girl"
I'm lazy
I'm selfish
I'm immature
I have no sense of wisdom
My instincts are unreliable
My friends don't love me
My parents are out to get me
I am incapable of logic
I am a terrible listener
My writing is not art
My costumes are for children or weirdos
Couples dancing is for f*ggots
There are places that I'm not allowed to go
There are people who I'm not allowed to talk to
Not minding him makes me stubborn and an idiot
He is the smartest person in the world
Nobody will ever understand me the way he does

Nobody could ever love me the way that he does.


Look, I'm not just trying to take a dump on a person who few readers remember and nobody is in contact with. This kind of shit happens every day and we allow ourselves to believe it. Serve it up with enough complements as effusive as these are degrading and you've got yourself a not terribly uncommon relationship dynamic. It's such a bunch of bullshit and I am so over it.

These sentiments are glaringly preposterous. Scooped from the sewers of my mind and held up to the light they disintegrate like the pipe dreams they spewed from. And yet its taken YEARS to get here. I've written the stories, I've sung the songs, I've cried the tears. I'm simply not doing this anymore. You no longer have power here. Peace be with you on your journey, I am off to seek mine.







Side note: This is something from many years in my past- trust me, you don't know him (except my oldest friends and family).