i love you all

This life is not in your control. You cannot keep yourself and everyone you love safe. What people choose for themselves (and what the universe decides to accomplish) are not the responsibility of, nor the result of, the choices you have made. You cannot give someone cancer, you cannot google your way to the answer, you cannot starve yourself or keep yourself awake enough nights to keep these things from happening. You are going to get hurt, you are going to get sick, and you are going to die and so is everyone that you love.

Some people are better at this. Some people can get news and hear numbers and think, "yeah, I know how to accept this like a rational human being and move on with my life'. But then there are those of us who receive the same news and hear, In a far away land, there was a lady who thought she was safe. Little did she know that SHE would be the exception!

So of course the nurses were being very sweet but rolling their eyes. My friends were holding my hands and wiping my tears and (very sweetly) not telling me that I'm an idiot. My mom, who would be the biggest worrier of all, is letting me know that none of these things will come to pass and if anybody would know it would be her. So I want to say thank you to all of you and let you know that I love you very much.

And it's not just those of you who I reach out to for support but everyone in my life. Or even who I just happen to know. I love you too. I want all the best for you and all the health and I never want you to experience a moment of hardship in your life. I want to scoop you all up and hold you to my chest and tell you that everything is going to be okay and that you are loved. Because you are. By me.

Yes I know I'm being dramatic. Yes I know I'm being unrealistic. These are just some of the charming qualities that come with being the overly feeling, anxiety-prone type that I am. So even though my words come from a flawed individual (who is going to die from something  rational, dammit!), know that they come with the deepest of truths from my heart. I thought I was going to die and I immediately thought, "damn, I hope everybody knows I much I love them". So no matter what happens, know this: I love you.