not as rosy as it looks

I've been posting to social media a lot lately. Between the Portland night life, acting in a play, performing with Family Band, and now playing drums with the Vagilantes, there has been plenty to document. I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude to live in a time and a place that allows me to do the things that keep the blood flowing through my veins and my body in an upright position. They shine a beacon of light on a life that is currently battling a creeping darkness around all its edges. I want to help present a fuller picture here.

You can't view someone else's life properly through the pinhole of a platform with controlled content. I struggled with this concept for many years and still have relapses from time to time. What other people show me is not the whole story. Anybody who reads my blog knows that I contend with some personal/ mental health on a fluctuating basis. This past year and a half have been particularly tumultuous for several reasons and I'm going to share one of those with you today.

I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I know this isn't a critical diagnosis and is highly survivable for the majority of those afflicted. It is caused by a sexually transmitted virus (that they don't test for, by the way) which causes cellular change in about 10% of those who contract it. There are also further risks of developing pharyngoesophageal or perianal cancer as well. In some rare cases lung cancer has been caused but we won't think about that.

So what does this mean for me? Well, I'm a hypochondriac so I had a complete mental/ emotional breakdown. The diagnosis process took over a year, two surgeries, and more pelvic exams than I would want in a lifetime. In the meantime I stopped eating properly as I was convinced all food would give me more cancer, my performance at work and sleep schedule were absolutely kaput, and daily I would systematically diagnose myself with dozens of fatal illnesses (related to my current condition or not). Most commonly:

espophageal cancer
anal cancer
lung cancer
brain cancer
breast cancer that had already metastasized
pancreatic cancer
leukemia
melanoma on my scalp that I couldn't see
M.S.
A.L.S.
spinal meningitis
aneurysm
stroke
heart disease
hepatitis A and C
H.I.V.
tongue cancer
deep vein thrombosis
lead poisoning

So why am I telling you all of this? Because I've been struggling. The reason I do so much is because I have to keep moving or I'll be dragged into the abyss by unrelenting waves of anxiety and depression. My ability to be at home or alone right now is zero. If I can make it until next August without any more cancer forming I should be in the clear (medically). And the odds of actually developing any more cancer are pretty low for me (hopefully). So if I've been distant or weird or a little all over the place just know that I'm working on it and that I have an end goal in sight.

The moral of the story here is that when someone looks like they are having a great time and everything is perfect in their world, odds are that it is not. This is a reminder to myself as well as a personal anecdote for anyone who hasn't been able to fully absorb this concept yet. Who someone is on social media is not who they really are, and those who look like they are having the most fun, may actually be struggling the hardest. So this holiday season be kind to yourself and to those whose pictures make you want to hurl. We are all just doing the best we can and the brief glimpse of a post on Instagram does not provide all the information that you need to make a comparison between your life and theirs.

I also want to say thank you to everyone who has been supportive of me as I've been dealing with this particular struggle. I absolutely could not have gotten through it without each and every one of you bringing me cards, or making me dinner, or hugging me when I needed it, or sending loving thoughts or pictures of your little ones to bring me joy. You guys are amazing and I love you all so very much. I'm absolutely going to kick this thing in the balls and be back to myself in no time. More blogs to come, more social media posts, none of it providing the full picture. Stay loving my friends, this world can use it.