feeling like a swamp monster

and how to deal with that

Most people will tell you that they are a good person, sometimes without even being prompted. I think in most cases this is an automatic assumption. I mean, who would consider themselves to be anything other than a good person unless they had serious self-esteem issues or sociopathic tendencies? And what does that really mean, anyway; to be a good person? I would like to unpack that idea for a moment.

I assume that I am a good person, but what exactly is that based on? I have people who love me, I try to do more good than harm, when presented with hypothetical situations I advocate for doing "what's right" in most scenarios, but how does that actually apply to real life? While I may donate to this cause or that, I also live in a home that could easily fit a few more people who don't currently have roofs over their head. I think about that every night as I leave the living room- look at those empty couches, there is someone sleeping on the street right now who could  use a soft surface and a warm blanket instead of the cold and the rain while these potential beds are left empty. And wow, what a good thought is that? Aren't I such a great and loving person? Well no, not really because I'm not actually inviting homeless people to sleep in my house on a daily basis (or ever). So this thought is actually impotent and serves to highlight what I'm not doing rather than give me praise for what I think about doing. And is this being too hard on myself? Maybe. But wouldn't giving homeless people a place to stay be the "right" thing to do? So by not doing it, am I being a "bad" person? I guess it depends on who you ask. 

I sometimes wish I could subscribe to one set of rules that indicate whether something I've done is "right" or "wrong", but the reality is more subjective than that and honestly just depends on who you ask. With enough effort, you can argue any point of view to be the "right" one. Yesterday I was faced with a very old moral dilemma that reared its head after many years. Who was right? Who was wrong? It depends on who you ask, whose rules you are following, which side you want to argue for. I followed up on that dilemma with good intentions but ended up hurting someone further in the process. What should I be judged on, the intentions or the outcome? In reality, you can frame it any way you like. 

But that doesn't help me, I still feel like a swamp monster. Someone was hurt because of my actions. Now comes the self-doubt: maybe my intentions weren't as positive as I thought they were, maybe the intentions were fine but the execution was off-base, or maybe I shouldn't be feeling any of these things at all and should just mark them off as side-effects of an all-around bad situation. How do I reconcile this and move on with my life?

The only thing that I can think of is owning up to it. I can't, in good conscience, just check my balance sheet to see whether I've done more good than harm and hope that will put me far enough in the right in this situation. Not only in this situation, but in life. I don't think donating to UNICEF cancels out that guy that you cut off in traffic this morning. I don't think you can say enough "Hail Mary's" to make up for those kids you used to beat up in school. You can't cancel out a bad deed with a good one, all you can do is make yourself feel better. So rather than go volunteer for a few hours to make up for the bad thing that I did, all I can do is say Yes, I did a bad thing, and I deserve whatever consequences may come from that. I will fully admit to it, without offering excuses, and try with all my might not to make that same mistake in the future. And I know this doesn't make up for it either, but it is the only way that I wake up and look at myself in the mirror each morning.

I used to worry about going to Hell, I think a lot of people do, but my mother said something to me when I was a kid that I have carried around with me ever since. She said that Hell isn't destination, it is a state of mind. Hell is what happens when you have more bad thoughts than good ones in any given day and anyone can end up there regardless of what they believe. Well, that's not where I want to be or how I want to live my life. And so I've done a bad thing, I've felt properly shitty for it, but I'm not going to carry it around with me. I have to release those negative feelings into the void and let someone else determine whether or not that makes me a bad person because, at this point, I am simply not equipped to make that kind of judgement call.